Two weriddddd dreams.

Alright so the first dream that I had last night was freaky. So before I went to bed I was telling Maggie how two girls just shouldn't live in an apartment this tiny. Maggie's prego (woo?) and your hair starts to shed when you are I guess because of all the hormones in your body going all crazy... I won't get technical. And I have always just shed hair I guess? But seriously there is hair EVERYWHERE in this damn apartment, we have to vaccuum and sweep like twice a day I swear, haha (ok I totally don't swear it's like once a day but whatever, it makes the story better to exaggerate sometimes). So I go to bed after laughing about this with Maggie and the first dream that I have is like me and Maggie running from hair! It was like taking over the world, everything was covered in hair, it was over-taking buildings and bodies of water and stuff and we were just running from it! And I tripped over something and twitched in my sleep and woke myself up haha but it was definitely creepy!

Alright now for my second dream... it's hilarious! So me and my amazing friend Kyle were going to high school together (which we didn't actually ever go to high school together f.y.i) and we wanted to spice up the school with some music. So we found a way to plug my Zune into the intercom system. Then I started playing Dust on the Bottle by David Lee Murphy... which is definitely not the song I would have chosen to play, I listened to that when I was like 10 years old and it is absolutely not a Kyle song haha. But anyways! So this song starts playing and EVERYONE in the school started singing it and pulling moves from Footloose, it was weird to see people do Footloose moves to a country song. And they formed a circle around me and Kyle and we started swing dancing together. Haha I thought it was pretty funny. It took me a little bit this morning to remember the dream even took place but I started playing Fleet Foxes when I got out of the shower and thought of Kyle because he's the one that showed me them. And it all came back to me when I thought of him and I started cracking up laughing!

In conclusion... I think I'm going a little insane, but at least I can still laugh about it!

Boring day!

Hmm... very boring day today. Didn't go to sleep until like... 3 this morning, slept until about noon because I'm lazy =). I had some crazyyyy dreams though. I can only remember bits and pieces though. I wish I could blog about dreams but if I wrote it out it wouldn't be the same as the actual dream, just kind of similar. I guess my mind is hard to explain? =P. Anyways... after I woke up I made a just alright breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast with an orange on the side. I hate it when oranges have seeds by the way... very annoying. Especially when you bite into them... yucky. Anyways, then I did some dishes which is never a fun chore. I folded some laundry after that and then hopped in the shower. Chatted with my mom on the phone for a while, which made the day a little better =). Tweezed my eyebrows after that... owie! I decided to not wear any make-up until I go back home to Washington because I need to learn how to live without it... a probably going to end up failed attempt at gaining back some self-esteem, but worth a shot.

Maggie came home around three p.m.... and tortured me for a couple of hours via Dr. Phill. Gag. What an idiot. He was doing a show on this 16 year old girl who was pregnant and her parents wanted her to get rid of the baby and she wanted to keep it. So the show was basically two full hours of watching this little girl, who is already stressed out, being hounded by know-it-all Dr. Phill and her two parents telling her that she was too young to be a mother and that she should get rid of her child. She was crying and saying that she couldn't bring herself to do that, which is understandable because abortion isn't for everyone. I thought it was pretty ridiculous, and her parents were bitches. And Dr. Phill kept bringing up this comment that nine times out of 10 people her age will be responsible for the first year and then lay the responsibility onto their parents because they want to go back out there and be a teenager. That may very well be... but who the fuck is Dr. Phill to say that she isn't the exception to that statistic... and why are we living in a world of statistics?! Everyone is their own person.

After my experience with the amazing and all-knowing Dr. Phill (please note my sarcasm), I started to watch Forrest Gump. What an amazingggg movie! But a little less than half-way through, it started freezing and wouldn't stop, I'm pretty positive it was the DVD player. And now it won't read the disc... kind of upsetting. Then Maggie started watching Oprah... and I was not game, so I took a 2-hour-long nap. Then I woke up and wrote this blog!

Haunting words.

Party at the house. BYODA... bring your own drugs and alcohol. More and more people start to show up. Already fucked up before anyone shows up. Heroine tonight, compliments of having the party at our place. On the couch, someone taps my shoulder, I'm drooling. Look up, Josh. Come to the bedroom. Ok. You look down, you need to cheer up. Line of coke. Ok. Heart is pounding, can feel it all over my body. Beer pong? Sure. Shot one. Missed. Josh makes it. They drink. They make it, I drink. And drink. And drink. Game lost. Shot of Hennessey? Sure. Another? Nah. Hazy now. Lamp breaks. Pissed. Yelling. Josh says shut up. In the room, door locked. Need to get away from the craziness. Josh pounding on the door. So fucked up. Black.

Wake up. So sick. Need something. Rail some percocet. Unlock the door. Walk out. Few people left at the house. "Closin time buddies". They leave. Thanks. Josh looks up. Bitch. Fuck you. Go to the kitchen. Haven't eaten anything in two days. Kind of hungry. Will probably throw up but oh well. Boil water for top ramen. Sick now. Go to the bathroom, throw up. Damn. Splash cold water on my face. Feel nothing. Weird. Can't feel cold anymore. Oh well.

Back to kitchen. Noodles added. How many packages did you put in? None. Obviously you did if there are fucking noodles in the pot. Didn't put in any seasoning. That's not what I fucking asked Josh. Don't be a cunt. Don't touch my food. Don't touch my drugs anymore. My drugs too asshole. Slam. Up against a wall now. Put me the fuck down. Who's drugs? Put me down. Who's fucking drugs?! Mine. Bam. Cheek on fire. Hot tears down face. Salty taste in mouth. Cry, bitch, now who's drugs? Yours. Back on feet.

Slap. Don't hit me again asshole. You really want to touch me bitch? I hate you. The feeling is mutual. I'm leaving you. And where will you go? My dad's. You leave me and I'll fucking kill myself. You keep saying that but you never do anything. Because you always stay. That's about to change.

Go to the room. Put some clothes into a bag. Grab some money. Grab some pills. Grab a cigarette. Go back out to living room. Gun in Joshes hand. Point to head. Idiot. I have the bullets. Hand to throat. Don't touch my shit ever again. Don't be stupid. You leave and I swear to God I'll do it. Yeah, whatever. Tell me you don't love me. Fine, I don't love you. Yes, you do. No, I don't. I know you do. Whatever. Hit me one more time. Slap across the face. You're a bitch. I know. I'm going to jump off of a fucking bridge. Front door slams. He's gone.

Calling. No answer. Worried now. Ok to drive? Kind of. In truck. Light a cigarette. Inhale. Can't feel it. Weird. Driving. Stop sign. Almost missed it. Oops. Calling again. No answer. Fuck, fuck, fuck. See Andrew at AM/PM. Stop to say hi. Seen Josh walking around? No. Police sirens. Going around the corner, towards the bridge. Heart drops. Sick again. Throwing up again.

Back in truck. Driving towards bridge. Cops on the bridge. Lots of them. Holy shit. This is not happening. Park the truck. Afraid to get out. Hate cops. Still fucked up. Josh. Have to know about Josh. Open the door slowly. Get out. Walk on the bridge. Look over. Even more cops. And ambulances. Oh my God. Please no. Please no. Please no. Run to the cop. What happened?! Did he jump? Oh my God, did he jump? Please no. Cop is young. Looks at me. Doesn't say anything. Oh God, he jumped. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Different cop comes up to me. Ma'am, what is your name? DID A GODDAMN PERSON JUMP OR NOT?! What do you know, ma'am. What is his name? Oh God... he jumped. Pain. Black. Wake up. Knees bleeding. What happened? Fell to the concrete. Ouch. Hands bleeding too. Ma'am, are you alright? Is he ok? Don't fucking worry about me, is he ok?! I'm going to need some information from you before you get any information from us. Ok. Who are you? His girlfriend. What is your name? Reagan Lausche. What is his name? Josh Reynolds. Home phone number? IS HE OKAY?! He has a heartbeat, but it's very faint. Oh God... Oh God... Oh God... please no. We need to contact his parents, do you have the number? Yes, give it to them. Would you like us to contact someone for you? My mom, give them the number. Lay on the cool pavement. Sick again. Throw up again. Are you alright ma'am? Just leave me the fuck alone. Crying hard. Can't breathe. He has a heartbeat. He's strong. He will be okay. I see my mom. I get up. Ouch. I fall into her arms. Oh, baby, what happened? I don't know, I don't fucking knowwwwww. The ambulance is leaving now ma'am, would you like us or your mother to escort you to the hospital? My mom. In the car. Crying still.

At the hospital. We need someone to identify him. I can. Mom says no, baby, you don't want to see him right now. Shut the fuck up mom, I can do it. Relationship? Girlfriend. Immediate family only. Are his parents on their way? I don't know. Waiting. Crying. Feels like I can't breathe. Convinced heart is stopping, too broken. Please be ok. Please, please, please. Josh's parents. Crying as well. Jerry hugs me. What happened? I don't know. Are you the parents? Yes. We're going to need someone to identify him. Jerry walks to through the doors. Is he ok? I'm not sure, ma'am. Waiting again. He'll be okay. He had a heartbeat. It's fine. Maureen grabs my hand. Waiting. Just waiting.

Jerry walks through the doors. No emotion on his face. Can't tell. First words. Josh is dead. Oh God, no. This isn't happening. Please no. On the ground. Screaming. Crying. NO. No, baby, no. Please come back, come fucking back. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I take it back. Oh God, no, no, no. I feel hands. Jerry and my mom. Lifting me. In Jerry's arms. To the car. Oh God, please Jerry, no. Puts me in the car. His tears are on me. Josh is dead. Josh is dead. Josh is dead. Haunting words.

68 days clean!

After almost 2 years of being numb due to drugs, I now have 68 days of feeling! It's been hard, but not as hard as I anticipated it being. The withdrawals were the worst part pretty much! It's weird though, feeling all of the sudden. Being numb definitely has it's advantages; I didn't have to feel any pain. Even though I have to deal with all of the pain now... I'm also laughing and smiling now, building back up relationships with my friends and family that I destroyed because I was using, developing new relationships with people that are positive in my life, and noticing things about life that I would have never noticed if I were high. The other day I was walking down the street and I saw this cute little black and white kitten bouncing around in a meadow, chasing after this butterfly and I just stopped and watched it happen, it's been a long time since I just stopped and watch something so simple and realized how simply beautiful life can be. And I'm jogging again now. I used to be a really active person before drugs; the adrenaline that I got after jogging was a good enough high for me. I jogged down to the river dock the night before last and just sat on a bench listening to music on my Zune for like an hour, watching the boats go past and the lights from Canada right across the water. It was freezing cold down there, but I loved the feeling of being cold, kind of tingly. Oh! And speaking of music, I'm starting to get back in to it again, yay. I absolutely love music... but when I was using the only thing that really mattered was getting high, so the music kind of stopped for me, I didn't pay attention to it when I had it on anyways. But I've been starting to go through my old collection, and it's like I'm falling in love all over again, it's great! My friend Kyle has been sending me some new songs and suggesting some new bands for me to listen to, and for the most part it's really good stuff, not all of it though haha. And I love not liking some of it... because that means that I'm actually paying attention enough to have an opinion, which is another thing that you loose when you start using like I was. You just stop caring. I care again, woo me!